Random Mind Banter

So I’m going to ramble about well everything….

Life went to hell and I’m still residing in their. Everything seems to be scaring me lately from panic attacks on high bridges to sirens heard from inside my house to crying over not having a job and not being in school. My fear you know the fear i previously wrote about well yea that came true too but there was this i don’t want to call it pleasant but pleasant for lack of thinking ability right now it was well settling it was an apology with church and a deep hug and rides through the swamp i guess it was just familiar and i needed and still do familiarity just not..his. I’ve lost my sense of wonder and amazement of life and the world and the small thing. I havent been wanting to pick up my camera or do anything when i try to dig deeper and get out of my comfort zone i just seem to run screaming and kicking all the way back to my hole and stay for longer and longer. sure ive had friends get me out but the more i get out i realize that the world and people suck. it sounds like im depressed and yadda yadda ( yes that’s technical terms) but i promise you im not i really do have a smile on and not even a fake one. oh i want smores. I wish it was summer so this rain we keep getting can come with some really cool lighting and thunder oh it sets off the freedom deep deep down inside your soul bonus if its not midnight and you can turn up the old jams and dance around the house. Im not quite sure where my life is headed or in what direction at all it may go and i like to think im okay with not knowing but i cry at every thought that is based on long-term future and not because it sad and oh i didnt follow my 10 year highschool plan bullshit its because i have set my self to standards and they are gone every single last one for my career or college or dreams gone like dust in the wind. ehhhhh yea i know right anyway i gotta get to more other random things i do in the middle of the night to ease to grinding brain gears that never ever stop im surprised i  have hair left….till then try to see like a blind man sees

Wash Away

For the mountains that run deep. I am the flat lands that deep runs through. I am the richest of the poor man shoes, bask in the summers cloudy sky and with the rain comes the tears, and the tears wash away the dirt from the summers harvest, they wash away the pain in the blood to the puddles covered in sadness left unnoticed. Days of the poorest of the richest man she’s washing in happiness. The happiest comes from the tears in the washing away.

For all things have things and all those things have things…..

Young Man, Wise Man, Superman

Superman,

You are wise beyond your years and have a heart of gold. Saggin’ your pants and your popularity won’t get you far in life. YOU ARE NOT STUPID ,just make poor choices sometimes. YOU CAN BE WHOEVER YOU WANT TO BE! You will achieve many goals,expectations, and dreams.Your goals,expectations,and dreams may change,but don’t give up. You will disappoint us as we will you, that doesn’t mean we don’t love you nor does it mean you don,t love us.Your 12 short years has given life to so many others..at your expense. You have this way of making me laugh,smile,and cry at the same time. No matter how someone is feeling you say a crazy thing or sing a song. As your cousin I promise to let you jam in my car or to have Nerf wars and too love you more than you love me, to advise you on all aspects of your life and to be there even when you hate me. Remember buddy, we don’t call you superman for any reason…..

F E A R……..

The fear in-traps me like kudzu. Paralyzing,shaking, crying incapacitated fear. When is too long to be still this terrified to “leave” home again. Why cant’t I just continue to live my own life and not be paralyzed by this fear. Every time I leave I think that I’m never going to come home again. Why does he have control over me? He shouldn’t he doesn’t……..he does. It’s not fair. It’s not fair that I can be so scared yet so excited to go on vacation but yet don’t want to leave home in case of me getting “caught”. No one knows what it’s like to live…well in fear. It’s the thing the captivates my life and controls my whole life every move every thought every action every relationship. Its hard to be so in like with someone then yet push them away before they push you. I’m up against the wall screaming,kicking and crying mentally and physically.

 

Wishing I could be buried in a hug safe,sound, and protected.

Mr. Hero Man

Dear Mr. Hero Man,
I am writing this letter to you in search of history and memories. I have a picture just for you of you, my grandfather is standing next to you. You served together in the 2nd marine division in the south pacific during world War II. Do you remember him? Did you save his life did he save yours? On the back of this photo has your name in script probably written by my grandmother, I have talked to her about you. She has no clue to who you are the only thing my grandfather has told me about the war was when he was in Hawaii the he received hot beer at 4pm every evening and that he was stationed in Paikakriki, New Zealand. Mr. Hero Man please tell me more about yourself and your family. Mr. Hero Man thank you for serving for protecting me and my family. Mr. Hero Man, you are a Hero.

Semper Fi
Granddaughter

 

 

Mr. Hero Man

Flute Music

The brackish wind hits my face through my car window and I instantly become sweaty sticky. The sound of the Native American flute and the waves breaking is a familiar sound, like one I’ve known for all my life.  The stars are shinning through the storm that’s brewing in the gulf. The peace within my soul can’t be calmed and the tears flow. They flow from the pain and regret, the unknown and the desire to fix the world of its problems. Each note of the flute brings back a memory a smell a life forgotten. What is nature trying to speak? It’s shouting to be listened to yet I can’t make it out. Is it saying we need to slow down and take a look at our past and learn from our forefathers or just embrace the senses of the earth? The man on the moon is sleeping tonight, no watching over us. Is he the “face” of god himself? His appearance  is one we’ve seen everywhere, yet how many recognize him and plead for forgiveness and the right path. The flute , waves and wind pick up the tempo like they coincide with each other and feel the spirit within that moves them. The water like my tears are moving are they running are they washing away something?

Love?

Do you ever feel that sometimes no matter how much you do or don’t do you can’t please someone? But, it’s not even the fact of not pleasing someone is the fact that you don’t feel loved, even though you know there are (in my case) a handful of people who do and would do anything for you but you still only feel used by them? Example : is it that hard to actually feel concern when something is bothering me rather only pretending to care to get something out of me? I bend over backwards for everyone in my life and the moment I say no or I can’t or just flat out don’t want to they throw everything that they have ever done for me in their entire life in my face. No ,it’s not that I’m trying to be selfish here but really you can point out the 5 things you’ve done for me which i am grateful for but yet alone i helped you 5 times last week and now you’re giving me hell because I can’t or don’t want to?!? Sometimes i just wish people would show me more that they love me. No, you don’t have to take me out or flowers or sky-write it but for the love (no pun intended) show me something! weather it be a random text or making  frozen pizza or just spending time with me that’s all I need is it  for it to be felt. Right now I am feeling very unloved,unwanted, hurt, lost confused, and stupid by everyone like they are all to busy to pay attention to me but when they need something I’m the first one they call,not the other people who they were just on the phone with or anything but me.

Sweet Thoughts

So, I’m new at this blogging thing,but I’ve wanted to start writing for a while now. I might not be the most thought provoking or inspirational. I will be random to make sense of all these thoughts in my head and I will tell it like it is, I’m not good at sugar coating things.  So I guess now I will tell you how I got my blog name it’s from something I wrote a few years ago that reminded me of my “childhood”.

Southern Air 6-14-11

Sweet smell of the maglonias & the church bells dinging on the hours. One more ’till the street lights fill the sidewalks with an orange glow. Everything is painted in time,no color.Black & white, Life is Easy.

        There is no glow anymore,no sidewalks,no magnolias,no dinging church bells. The memory of what the easy life once was is memorized by stories, laughter and tears that become darker with the years.

     The street lights went out, the morning dew has dusted upon everything foggy & gray.The peace within the city is hardly ever heard.The light,the glow, the sidewalk will forever be a child dream that gets darker with the years.

    Sweet magnolia trees break & weathered with every storm. Tattered & torn leaves fall not to be burned with a bike tire,but to be raked.All brown,the sweetness dulls with the years.

   Church bells ding louder as a calling,heaven sent. Walking the path on Sunday’s to find the right way,the holy way. Dings glorify the hours,the union,the passing,the calling. Ding Dong Ding Dong it ends, the faint sound drifts away with the wind.